


Not Simple To Say

by orphan_account



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 07:49:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7306033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Haven't I always told you that no man is ever worth your tears?"</p><p>“You are.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Simple To Say

**Author's Note:**

> just a little drabble to get back into the writing flow since exams are finally over (!!!) title from "She Used to be Mine" from Waitress the Musical

“Just - just hold me.”

“Arthur-”

“Please.”

Merlin stopped struggling and fell back, Arthur a dead weight on top of him. He never had been able to deny Arthur anything, he thought, as he wrapped his arm a little more securely around Arthur’s middle, careful to avoid the wound in his side, where the chainmail was soaked through with blood - a glaringly obvious reminder of how he had failed.

“There’s something I want to say-”

“You’re not going to say goodbye.” Merlin interrupted, hoping Arthur wouldn’t hear how shaky his voice had gotten.

“No. No, I…” Arthur shook his head with the words, and Merlin could see what an effort it was for him to speak, but nonetheless let him continue, “Merlin. Everything you’ve done. I know now. For me… for Camelot… for the kingdom you helped me build.”

“You’d have done it without me,”

“Maybe,” Arthur chuckled, giving Merlin a fond look, then sobering up as he continued, “I want to say something that I’ve never said to you before.” Arthur’s breaths were coming shallower now, and if it weren’t for the urgency on Arthur’s face, Merlin would have made him stop talking, made him save his energy. Merlin watched as Arthur’s eyes went unfocused for a second before returning their attention to Merlin, and his next words were so soft Merlin almost missed them.

“I love you”

“What-”

“I love you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t ever brave enough to do anythi-” Arthur was cut off by Merlin gently pressing his lips to Arthur’s in a gentle kiss that Arthur returned. When Merlin felt Arthur’s lips go slack from exertion, he pulled away, moving his hand to gently cradle Arthur’s face and turn it towards his own.

“I love you too, you know. I- I think I always have. Even when you were being an utter prat, I still loved you, and there was never a moment I wouldn’t have given my life for yours and Arthur I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I failed you, I didn’t keep you safe, I…” Merlin choked on the sob that broke its way out of his throat, tears falling freely down his cheeks.

“Merlin,” Arthur whispered, trying to raise his hand to Merlin’s face. Merlin caught Arthur’s hand in his own and pressed it against his cheek. He felt Arthur’s thumb brushing away his tears in short, jerky movements that Merlin could tell took a great deal of whatever strength Arthur had left. “Merlin,” he started again, “You have nothing to be sorry for. You… have saved me in more ways than you know. You made me believe that there is still goodness in the world and you- I don’t remember life without you in it, Merlin. I know. I know that I wasn’t the best king, and I wasn’t the best man, but I hope… I hope that when I am gone you’ll remember that I loved you. Don’t cry now. Haven’t I always told you that no man is ever worth your tears?” 

“ _You_ are.” Merlin said, letting out another sob and pressing his lips to the inside of Arthur’s palm, not caring that Arthur probably couldn’t feel the kiss through his gloves.

There was silence for a few moments, and then Arthur spoke out again, voice shaking and barely audible, “Tell me a story, Merlin. Something happy. Something that makes you happy, I- I want my last memory of you to be you smiling.”

“I’ll do you one better,” Merlin replied, and held Arthur’s face in his hands, touched their foreheads  together, and let his magic envelop them, letting Arthur into his mind, _showing_ him his memories, making them as real and vivid, as if they were re-living them in that very moment.

He showed Arthur about the first time he had seen him, all golden hair and wide, arrogant smile, and how he had had no idea that in that moment, his life was changed for good. He let him see all the times they went hunting - just the two of them - through Merlin’s eyes, how the first thing Merlin would see on those mornings would be gentle rays of sun illuminating Arthur’s face. About how on those mornings, Merlin would just sit and look at Arthur while he slept, and think himself the luckiest man in the world to be able to see such a beautiful sight.

Merlin poured every ounce of his strength, of his magic, into letting Arthur see through Merlin’s eyes. See how Merlin had watched Arthur grow into the greatest man, the greatest king Merlin had ever known, how he watched Arthur grow into a man he would have been glad to serve for the rest of his life. And he showed Arthur about how happy he made Merlin, how every smile sent his way made Merlin’s heart flutter, and how each time Arthur confided in him he was filled with warmth.

And when Merlin was done, when he had shown Arthur each and every special moment that he could remember spending with Arthur, watching Arthur, helping Arthur, he pulled his magic back in, and lifted his head from his King’s and opened his eyes, to see that Arthur was gone - no longer moving, no longer breathing, but with a soft smile on his lips.

And that was when Merlin broke, pressing kisses to Arthur’s forehead, cheeks, begging him not to leave him alone, to stay with him just a little longer, but it was no use, Arthur was gone, and Merlin let the tears fall freely down his face as he turned his head to the sky and screamed.


End file.
